IGBO LANGUAGE AND THE GIRLS WHO "FORM"

This is the story of a market woman, my story and a guy who said that girls "form" a lot. I just hope you understand what I mean by forming, especially if you are not a Nigerian. (By forming, we mean someone who is pretending to be what he's not.)

He was a banker and still is, I guess. He walked into the shop, I offered him seat and he rapped away on the benefits of banking with his institution. He spoke too much grammar. I politely asked him if he was Igbo. When he gave me a yes, I told him that we could also talk in Igbo, that it was completely okay with me. The young man replied me thus, permit me to itemize; "1. I saw your shop, very neat and well packaged. Walking in here, I knew this is not the place to speak Igbo.

2. You girls form a lot; when we guys talk to you in Igbo, you look down on us." I was speechless and so I asked him, "So, what am I? And, who is forming now? He smiled and continued;

3. " When I served in Akwaibom, you could hardly hear the locals speak anything other than Ibibio, even in their offices and market." To this I replied, "So they speak Ibibio even in their offices and yet you come to the market where you should assume that we are all market men and women who do not know how to speak English, until we prove otherwise, and you talk to me in English? Shame on us, abi? What happened to Igbo language?"

When he was done talking about the different accounts and their benefits, I said, "my name is Ijeoma, what's yours?" "Uche or Prince," he replied. I smiled. That identity issue, that discomfort many of us feel bearing our native names because we feel the English names are more polished. Oh yes, I know. I was once like that and now I'm paying the price. When I call some people with a number they aren't familiar with, it's so difficult to say who I am. I go "it's Vivian or Beulah or Ijeoma. Which one do you know me as?" But do not worry, I am healed. My name is Ijeoma, that's how I introduce me these days and I'm perfectly comfortable with the way it sounds and what it means. If you know me as Vivian, let your heart not be troubled, it's same ol' me.

Back to our story, what that guy said hit me on several levels. He said the shop was too organized and so he assumed he should not speak Igbo. Therefore, Igbo, my Igbo should be spoken in dirty and unorganized settings and places.

He said we girls pretend; that is actually not a lie. Maybe they aren’t pretending pretending, but severally I’ve encountered girls who respond to me in English when I’m asking talking to them in Igbo. And I will wonder, "What the hell is wrong with some of us girls? How does a language make you classy or not so much so that you deny your dialect?"

He told me about a people who are so proud of their language; they even speak it in official settings. Yet, he comes to the market, the most unofficial place I can think of and he talks to me in English. This means our language is losing its place in our lives- in our daily communications as seen between guys and girls, in our homes between mothers and their children, and now in the informal settings like markets and taxis. Shouldn't we worry?

I have a friend who doesn't have any English, French or German name. He has just Igbo names; I envy him. About those foreign names I have, I'm still thinking of what I will do with them. And to this friend I recounted the encounter I had with the banker and he said, "Do you see that you women have a lot of influence but you people don't know. The men know this but you people don't. Now, we are talking about a man who had learnt how to speak Igbo from home but who's now forced to speak English just to impress the girls" I was amazed at this perspective. You see, in this battle of restoring our language to its rightful place, the women would be instrumental: as mothers who the children spend their bulk of time with and from who the children(majorly) learn  the use of words and languages; and then as grown ladies whom the men speak to in English, just to impress them.

South Sudan women suggest sex strike as a solution to war

How powerful are we as women? This same friend reminded me of a story I shared with him a while ago. Over time in history, women have used sex strikes to achieve remarkable objectives in different societies. In 1600, Iroquois Women stopped unregulated warfare. In Liberia, the women ended the brutal civil war in 2003. It was the female partners of gang members of Pereira city of Columbia in 2006 who reduced violence and demanded civilian disarmament. In Kenya 2009, women stopped political fighting and brought about a stable government within week. Many more examples abound in history; all of these different women which included the wives, girlfriends and whores used sex strikes to achieve their objectives.

Am I suggesting a sex strike to end the dearth of our Igbo language? By all means, no. I'm only pointing out that we women are powerful. The men know this, but we don't and so many times we think we are the victims. And I hope we realize this power sooner and help to collectively change our societies for good.

Igbokwe Vivian Ijeoma

Scriptwriter87@gmail.com

Twitter/Instagram: @club7teen

TO BE OR NOT TO BE

(A Battle of the Sexes)

I wrote a poem on this same title and a friend reminded me that this was a line from Shakespeare's Hamlet. It's awesome that Shakespeare and I have been inspired to use same lines but believe me, we wrote on different themes.

We live in times very different from his. We live in a time of freedom of all sorts of things-belief, religion, speech, etc. However, so much less could be said to have been realized of this freedom by the African lady. We have been influenced a whole lot by foreign media, especially American movies. And so, we see Western girls live as they like; have multiple sex partners if they like, enjoy the right to this and that, make their money, foot their bills, divorce whenever and for whatever, become extreme feminists who say they don't need men, become lesbians openly and have children from broken homes, etc.. We all know the effects of divorce on the family system and children: Children who are depressed, who lack a basic sense of identity, who lack the balance that is gotten when raised by both parents, who become suicidal as a result of thinking that the parent who left didn't love them because they were deficient of some of sorts, and etc... This is hardly the focus of this discussion but worth mentioning because it gives a perspective.

The seemingly charming and liberated lives of our Western sisters have truly come at a huge price. Thus, their men are scared of committing to the ladies; all those rights they need to deal with, the cost of divorce and the possibility of landing in jail if the lady claims any sort of assault. We see men prefer to have kids with their girlfriends than marrying those ladies as wives. Feminists push more each day for this right and that right. The other day I read that a man could be fined for walking behind and trying to talk to a girl he likes; stalking it was called. That's a very different world from Africa. Most of us are in a relationship because a man who fancied us walked behind us, we did a little shakara, we stopped and then the small talk that was followed by a romantic relationship. Sometimes, the guy would drive slowly behind you and then you stop. In order cases, he may walk up to you when you are seated in a restaurant or cyber or just about anywhere.  I laughed at the possibility of a guy being arrested and fined for trying to woo me like that. But that is their world and all those rights that should have served as protection have turned out to become prisons, stopping them from experiencing deep loving commitment.  “Maybe the next level would be to create different states for women.”

We bring it down home. Women are sold in the name of bride price and become the properties of the men. So, the man determines what the women should wear and the length or type of clothe, whether she will have friends or not, who comes to stay or not, and in some cases he tells her to be a house wife. I've seen wives take permission from their husbands to do the smallest things. I would expect it to be a discussion between two adults who love themselves but you see the man refusing for no reason and the woman has no choice than to obey. In some families, sex is the man's prerogative and so the woman will get it whenever he feels like it. And if he feels like having an extramarital relationship, he does that while the good wife cleans the house and prays that God will change her husband's heart. The culture supports the man in all these. The man can never be wrong, hadn't he bought the woman? I hear things like, “nwanyi anaghi aka nwoke” meaning -the woman can never be greater than the man. This is despite her age or achievement. And so it's a battle; to be free like our Western sisters and also be free of loving and meaningful relationships or accept to be under men like the African culture suggests and enjoy a loving and quiet home?

Let me take things a little bit further. Before the marriage, we have courtships and relationships. Let's talk about relationship. The media is littered with slay queens, big bums and boobs and out of the world make up and the guys are stuck. The ladies with biggest assets get the richest men, and so girls do whatever it takes to have the assets while totally neglecting their selves. By self, I mean self development. I hear statements like, “why is your hair like this, don't you have a boyfriend?” “These days, you are shining, who's the new man?” “Get a job or get a boyfriend?” The most funny is when a girl feels justified if a man sleeps with her and spends on her. Didn't she enjoy the sex as well? Our sexuality and feminity is no longer a part of our identity but a commodity and business plan. Thus, we see a lot of sexist posts alluding that women are money sucking machines, have no brains for making money, see relationships and men as income earning opportunities, are the source of men's problem, are the reason men don't save, etc... Consequently, from relationships to marriages , the woman is either the man's property or a liability. Girls too have come to believe this. They look beautiful to attract the right kind of men; virtually struggles for the man’s attention. They go into marriages with mama's rule book to please the man. It is the man's world and she must make do with whatever space he has given her.

I heard a mother tell her daughter, "Ask him for money. Stop acting too independent. If he spends so much on you, he will see it as an investment. Men don't like to lose on investments." That was a lady who believes in being in healthy emotional relationship and not the usual business cum romantic relationship, where the lady milks the man and is milked of respect herself. What do you think this advice will do to her psyche? I talk with ladies, I am also a lady and yes, of course it is beautiful when the one you love gives you presents, whether cash or otherwise. Women needs as a matter of fact and their nature to be loved and nurtured. One of the greatest ways to prove you love someone is by giving to them. In a healthy relationship, it however goes both ways. The man gives to and receives from woman; the woman gives to and receives from the man. Everyone is happy. In the case of a mother encouraging her daughter to make the man see her as an investment/property, how do you think she will be treated in a possible marriage with him? Your guess is as good as mine. 

Our cultural beliefs and the popular culture as seen as on social media have increased the helplessness girls feel and so they focus on their outside looks to attract the men who will foot their bills or become baby mamas, a recent development that is fast taking hold of girls. "Girls taking pride in having babies for musicians or actors; what happened?"

Then, there are a lot of organizations clamoring for women empowerment. We even have ministries for Women's Affairs and Political Slots for female appointees. For all these efforts, women are still treated like second class citizens in the African setting. The reason is that instead of addressing the root of these problems in these noble organizations and ministries, women's problems are pampered; we are pitied and then temporary shelters are constructed for us.

What is the way out? On the one hand, we have our extremely free Western sisters. On the other hand, we have our subservient Africans sisters. Which is the way forward? To be or not to be?

In between these two worlds have emerged women who do not fit into either paradigm and who must chart a new course for themselves. Yes, a crop of strong women have arisen who do not fit it into either category. By strength, I do not mean an abrasive woman but a woman who knows her strengths and abilities and have worked on them to become the best version of herself.  She is not afraid of success because it will scare men away. She does not need to buy a man's affection too in case she is wealthier. Let me take her definition a step forward; she doesn't fight men or with men as some feminist values surreptitiously suggest.

She takes advantage of a world of men and women and becomes her best. Reason; we all need and complement each other.

African ladies, we should move beyond all these limitations placed on us by culture and media. And we have the power. Do not be afraid because your aunty who was very successful is also unmarried; the world is fast moving beyond this myopic thinking, we should too. All we need is to grow and the men will show some respect. Women clamor for empowerment and yet demand for a lot of concessions in the work and business place. Sometimes, when men are busy advancing by sheer hardwork, some women do so by butt power. And then when a woman finds herself in a place of power, she crushes every other woman around her and surrounds herself with men. No, we need to move beyond our petty emotions; jealousy, insecurity and all.

I discussed with some friends on this issue of women's empowerment and one said to me, "Imagine all the women gathering to say no to collecting their own share of bride price? It will drastically bring down the cost of bride price and give them more say in the marriage transactions of their daughters." I totally concur. If you don't concur with me, we will keep seeing the numbers of baby mamas increase because the young men cannot afford wedding costs. If you don't, we will keep seeing mothers and ladies having no say in marriage transactions. If you don't, we will keep seeing men treat their wives as elevated properties, slightly worth more than their other possessions. If you don't, we will keep seeing women live less than whom they ought to be because their husbands feel insecure. If you don't, we will keep seeing women who think that husband battering means love and protection. If you don't, we will keep seeing a tradition of helplessness being transferred from one generation of mothers to another.

I'm a believer of the preservation of African values and systems. I'm also a believer in progress and advancement and especially, losing myself free of anything not working. And so in the poem with same title as this article I wrote earlier, I said:

"So we will stand on the road

The one that has four paths

We will spread our feet wide apart

And spread our arms even wider

This will give us balance

And even freedom

Then we will look up, and scream and search out and define and look down and then stand stronger

This is how we win

We will even shut our eyes and ears and the mind harassed by culture and the heart that lives in fear, like a slave of identity and be quiet

The one from inside wants to speak

We must listen

For this is how we win this battle"

Thus by standing on the road of four paths, we will take a look at where we have come from, where we want to go, what is obtainable in other cultures whether profitable or not and then at those things that have held us back and make a balanced decision. When we look at all these factors, we must shut our ears and eyes and listen to ourselves from within. We are creatures of love, nurture and strength- we must draw from these and build ourselves. Most important, the men are a blessing, they are not a competition. The sexes, male and female complete the perfect picture that this universe paints. Imagine a world of no men? Not that I can but there will be too much drama, tears, love, jealousy, gossip, etc... But this world of men's ego, masculine strength, women's jealousy, gossip and love- it is a perfect blend.

At those times, when my much younger brother effortlessly helps me lift heavy objects that I couldn't lift, I sigh and thank God for a world of men. And when I worry and fret over details and make sure everything is in order while he is seemingly unperturbed, I thank God for a world of me, a world of women. If you are a girl reading, can you recall complaining to a guy about something and he's wondering why that upset you, and you both end up laughing at it? But tell the same story to a girl, and sister, for one week you both are still discussing how so much you were wronged. That's the beauty of the sexes.

“What’s your take on marriage?” someone asked me. “Complementary, Not equality”, I responded.  To me, equality sounds like a fight and struggle but complementing is like friendship, a symbiotic relationship, both parties need each other, love each and respect each other. Roles are defined which keeps the family unit functional and happy. End of story, the men are our brothers.

To be or not to be? This is now a question of personal decision. I believe I have presented a fair argument. However, if I could influence you, then I would say to us African girls, " there's a balance to all these. Let us work hard and contribute positively to this world. Foot your bills, don't believe the lie that once you are sexy, all your needs are met (by men). A guy once said to me, “a girl cannot let me foot all her bills and expect me to respect her.” So, we work hard and foot our bills. Ask women who do, there's so much joy and pride when you do that for yourself. Enjoy the beauty of men in your life, see them as partners and get rid of that victim or entitlement mentality. Have children and please don't deprive them of a loving environment of the father and the mother in a committed union. All these baby mama thingy is dizzying for kids. You look glamorous on social media by posing with the son of a rich celebrity, awesome; also take a moment to consider the emotional and psychological well being of that child when it's time. 

In that other time when women were subservient to men, it may have worked and their society wasn't as complex and demanding as ours. However in this world of technology, innovation, speed and change, a breed of smart, creative and strong men and women is the way forward. Anything less is a weight.

Finally, it's time for us to determine who we want to be and be that. This battle is with we; so let's fight our limitations and win. And then we enjoy ourselves. If we don't, then it's totally not worth it.

IGBOKWE VIVIAN IJEOMA

Twitter/Instagram: @club7teen

scriptwriter87@gmail.com