THE GOOD WIFE TIPS

(This was sent in by a dear friend, Kimani Purity from Kenya. It was written as a rejoinder to a previous work we wrote together. In the appropriate time, that too will be shared here. Many times we both ask: "African Women, where are we going from here?")

As a matter of fact, a friend of mine attended a weekday church service at the invitation of her friend whose theme was ‘family’. Basically, the service or teaching, if you like to call it, was about how men and women should behave in a family. Her crazy self can swears that the male points were less than 10. She swears by that truth. But cross over to the girl’s side! Lord have mercy! “When you’re looking for a mate, boys” the pastor said, “check the dress code. What is she wearing? What does she wear?” The service was in a church that believes that women should never wear men’s clothes. “If she wears trousers or shorts or short things! Put an x and pray for her” he went on.

Apparently, that was not the only cross-worthy kind of a girl who could possibly end up as a prayer item. There was also the girl who could openly say that she was incapable of preparing some meals, possibly because she hasn’t learnt how to prepare them. On this the pastor said, “Ladies, you must learn how to cook. If it is green grams you are preparing, prepare those green grams like your life depends on it. Be the best green gramer your husband has ever seen.” To this, my friend said that she had imagined the husband introducing the wife as follows: “Hail, the queen of green grams!”

Then, there was the lady who was inconsistent in her faith. This one got my friend reeling. “Men, study your mate”, the guy was off to a good start. “With regard to her faith, if in first year she was a deaconess, put a tick. Second year still a deaconess, a bigger tick. Third year, a head deaconess; my brother, that is the one.” Okay, maybe deaconess is the ultimate for them. “Shrugs.” She kept listening. “If in the first year she was a deaconess, tick. If in her second year she slipped…” Before I say what followed, my friend claimed that she was actually waiting for the slippery girl to land in a discotheque or alcohol addiction but no. “If in her second year she slipped and joined the Christian Union.” I kid you not. “If in her third year she again slipped and landed in some other denominations, my friend, put a big cross and pray for that girl.” The service was Adventist, in case you are wondering. The list went on and on and on. In the end, the don’ts of the males happened to be the female don’ts as well and then add much more don’ts to the females.

So basically, my friend tells me that she got out of the service thinking to herself, “Honey, if we are to sum up that family teaching, to be a good wife is to simply not live. Yes. Die or become a zombie.”